For the first 2 years of my new dream position I had to put on a “Happy” face when I was at work and tried to remain humble in spite of the jealousy, mental abuse, selfishness or deceitfulness that I encountered. Being in a position that your Administrators has high expectations of you, I had to put on the “Happy Face” mask even when I was being hit with accusations and lies. I felt like I wasn’t suppose to defend myself and I had to be a robot, I thought this was the norm to not get personal when it was business. At a time, I didn’t want any issues so I did what I was suppose to do, I crossed my T’s and dotted my I’s. Also, with my mask on, I noticed I kept my Supervisor pleased and she would commend me often. I was brought up, to be honest with myself and others. Being in this position I felt like I was cheating myself by not putting myself first. So I expressed myself and was transparent, I wanted to be clearly understood because I was looking for support from upper management. I chose this field because my ultimate goal was to help individuals in need but this business showed me otherwise. It showed me how to discriminate, endure mental abuse, be fraudulent and to undermine human beings. This wasn’t a comfort zone for me to assist anyone I felt like I was fake and at times insensitive but I still put on the “Happy Face” mask as expected.
Mid-2020 I was overworked and unappreciated and to put the icing on the cake, like everyone else I was dealing with the pandemic. I prayed & prayed and still pushed through but my love for what I was doing was fading away and all sorts of feelings overwhelmed me, from anger to feeling worthless in my position. No matter how much I communicated the effects of my well-being I felt it was ignored so I had to take care of myself and took a mental break for a month thinking I would be refreshed. During this time, I had an epiphany and decided to make a change and resign soon because no matter what I did prior it wasn’t working out for me. I wanted a fresh start so I prayed to God for answers. I decided to go another route with my career and started planning my goals. Throughout the next few months it got worse at work. As I achieved some of my goals to move forward with my new career I was still wearing the mask and doing the best that I could at work. However, Financially things weren’t looking good and there was small talk that my position may be eliminated and at the same time my Supervisor had concerns about my work abilities which was new for me to hear. At this point, I didn’t have any feelings about this because I eventually became numb in my position and was just trying to focus on my goals which became clouded with depression.
2021 came in and my only New Year goal was to get away from this miserable job and remain humble while doing so. However, 7 days into the new year I was involved in a traumatic accident which kept me out of work for almost 7 weeks. During this time I reflected on the past 3 years and asked myself what the hell am I doing? Although, I was in pain and discomfort I felt a healing within when I thought about my next move and not enduring the gloom. I refused to complain about work or allowed the negative energy to creep in. I was healing and had a positive outlook going back to work because I felt a big change was coming, not knowing good or bad but either way I was going to welcome it with open arms. The first week that I returned to work was HELL my name continued to be placed in stories and lies, it started getting deep to the point that my ability to continue to do my job was questioned/reprimanded by my supervisor, which suddenly undermined my abilities. I knew it was just the devil hard at work, but still I kept my head up high and behind closed doors I was breaking down. At the end of the second week back, I walked into work to just walk right back out because they decided to let me go!
What a Beautiful Beginning for 2021! This was such a RELIEF!!! I was free!! Although I’m not employed I feel human again. Through my depressed times I turned to God and Prayer but didn’t take heed to the signs that God was showing me. I wanted to do it my way, their way but not God’s way. I felt that God slowed me down a few times so I could focus on what I needed to do for myself. The morning that I was let go I read “Our Daily Bread” a booklet with daily spiritual inspirations and the message for that day was:
“When times are good; be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other”. Ecclesiastes 7:14