authenticwflaws

Openmindedness

A Beautiful Beginning

For the first 2 years of my new dream position I had to put on a “Happy” face when I was at work and tried to remain humble in spite of the jealousy, mental abuse, selfishness or deceitfulness that I encountered. Being in a position that your Administrators has high expectations of you, I had to put on the “Happy Face” mask even when I was being hit with accusations and lies. I felt like I wasn’t suppose to defend myself and I had to be a robot, I thought this was the norm to not get personal when it was business. At a time, I didn’t want any issues so I did what I was suppose to do, I crossed my T’s and dotted my I’s. Also, with my mask on, I noticed I kept my Supervisor pleased and she would commend me often. I was brought up, to be honest with myself and others. Being in this position I felt like I was cheating myself by not putting myself first. So I expressed myself and was transparent, I wanted to be clearly understood because I was looking for support from upper management. I chose this field because my ultimate goal was to help individuals in need but this business showed me otherwise. It showed me how to discriminate, endure mental abuse, be fraudulent and to undermine human beings. This wasn’t a comfort zone for me to assist anyone I felt like I was fake and at times insensitive but I still put on the “Happy Face” mask as expected.

Mid-2020 I was overworked and unappreciated and to put the icing on the cake, like everyone else I was dealing with the pandemic. I prayed & prayed and still pushed through but my love for what I was doing was fading away and all sorts of feelings overwhelmed me, from anger to feeling worthless in my position. No matter how much I communicated the effects of my well-being I felt it was ignored so I had to take care of myself and took a mental break for a month thinking I would be refreshed. During this time, I had an epiphany and decided to make a change and resign soon because no matter what I did prior it wasn’t working out for me. I wanted a fresh start so I prayed to God for answers. I decided to go another route with my career and started planning my goals. Throughout the next few months it got worse at work. As I achieved some of my goals to move forward with my new career I was still wearing the mask and doing the best that I could at work. However, Financially things weren’t looking good and there was small talk that my position may be eliminated and at the same time my Supervisor had concerns about my work abilities which was new for me to hear. At this point, I didn’t have any feelings about this because I eventually became numb in my position and was just trying to focus on my goals which became clouded with depression.

2021 came in and my only New Year goal was to get away from this miserable job and remain humble while doing so. However, 7 days into the new year I was involved in a traumatic accident which kept me out of work for almost 7 weeks. During this time I reflected on the past 3 years and asked myself what the hell am I doing? Although, I was in pain and discomfort I felt a healing within when I thought about my next move and not enduring the gloom. I refused to complain about work or allowed the negative energy to creep in. I was healing and had a positive outlook going back to work because I felt a big change was coming, not knowing good or bad but either way I was going to welcome it with open arms. The first week that I returned to work was HELL my name continued to be placed in stories and lies, it started getting deep to the point that my ability to continue to do my job was questioned/reprimanded by my supervisor, which suddenly undermined my abilities. I knew it was just the devil hard at work, but still I kept my head up high and behind closed doors I was breaking down. At the end of the second week back, I walked into work to just walk right back out because they decided to let me go!

What a Beautiful Beginning for 2021! This was such a RELIEF!!! I was free!! Although I’m not employed I feel human again. Through my depressed times I turned to God and Prayer but didn’t take heed to the signs that God was showing me. I wanted to do it my way, their way but not God’s way. I felt that God slowed me down a few times so I could focus on what I needed to do for myself. The morning that I was let go I read “Our Daily Bread” a booklet with daily spiritual inspirations and the message for that day was:

“When times are good; be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other”. Ecclesiastes 7:14

Message received!

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads & fathers!

Happy Father’s Day to my Father who assisted with creating me, without his donation I will not be.  Even though you were absent for most of my childhood & teen years i am still grateful for you.  Oh!, but i went through hell and back with the emotions of not liking you and didn’t cared if you lived or not, experiencing events of the “revolving door” of disappointments from you…but you know, its ok because today i truly can say your lack of presence taught me that I can still move on and make it without you and succeed.  It’s ok, because when i moved on, I was able to blossom into a strong independent woman and was able to forgive you for your absence.  Love you my Father!

Happy Father’s Day to my Dad, may he rest in peace…Thank you for accepting me as your child and providing me with unconditional love and the essentials that i needed to survive since I was 5 years old.  It wasn’t an easy road and i apologize for the headache that i might’ve caused.  You were simply trying to show me what a dad does and i didn’t want to accept that because i thought i already had one.  You also contributed to my life tremendously from making sure we had a roof over our heads to our uplifting talks.  Over the years you became ill but you didn’t let that stop you because you was a fighter, you still lived your life.  I will never forget the time when you offer to help take care of me after my knee surgery and you was fighting your health battles, you left your comfort zone to help me and I was so grateful!  Love you Dad!

photo of happy father s day greetings

Photo by Cristian Dina on Pexels.com

 

Silent Love

I love this one!

authenticwflaws

We come from two different worlds, mines a clamorous one and yours a silent one.  We communicate happy, sad, angry, loving and some our fears.  We teach each other. I teach you your needs and you teach me my wants.  We support each other strongly in ways that no other has.  We feel each others pain without knowing where it may come from or just by a look. I bring patience and you bring smiles.  I bring knowledge and you bring laughter. How could this be a love of two different worlds?

In the beginning, I was filled with love abundantly from the love and support you showed me.  So kind, so tender you are.  The love was at first overwhelming because i wasn’t looking for it and in return, I loved you with all my might..even more than myself.  I committed “Me” to you, not everyone get that special…

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My prayer for 2012

UPDATE 6/21/2020

authenticwflaws

REPOST…

I wrote this prayer 9 years ago and realized this is a prayer not only for 2012,  but for everyday.  Since then it’s been more terroristic attacts/threats, police brutality, increased racism, etc.  The world needs LOVE, PEACE AND HAPPINESS!

Instead of setting a New Year’s Resolution, I have a prayer..not only for me but for all.  So here’s my prayer:

I pray for Love, that people everywhere try and take the hate, negativity and jealousy out of their hearts and begin to show love to others.  I pray that we stop killing one another, stealing, raping and abusing.  We have a whole generation of children coming up and we need to set examples for them.  Instead of “hating” on another lets start showing positivity, appreciation and love.  I pray for those who don’t know how to love that they allow to be love so they can reciprocate.  Where there’s…

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FEELINGS

authenticwflaws

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…deep deep down inside there’s an unexplained darkness that’s whirling my insides…spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically all tangled up with no loose ends…

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…i have to get it back spiritually because i am a firm believer without him there’s no me…i’m all shelled up and finding it harder to smile when i have every good reason to…looking in the mirror i’m not pleased to see this person that was once before a vibrant, energetic loving individual who welcomed the challenges of life, a person who struggled to be different from the norm but categorized   by peers and their opinions….

89f72ba87f4f56be432ec146bc39c5d2

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…when i want the company of others but I want the company of myself…when i need to utilize my positive energy into my dreams and goals but instead I’ve used it up for…

View original post 62 more words

FEELINGS

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…deep deep down inside there’s an unexplained darkness that’s whirling my insides…spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically all tangled up with no loose ends…

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…i have to get it back spiritually because i am a firm believer without him there’s no me…i’m all shelled up and finding it harder to smile when i have every good reason to…looking in the mirror i’m not pleased to see this person that was once before a vibrant, energetic loving individual who welcomed the challenges of life, a person who struggled to be different from the norm but categorized   by peers and their opinions….

89f72ba87f4f56be432ec146bc39c5d2

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…when i want the company of others but I want the company of myself…when i need to utilize my positive energy into my dreams and goals but instead I’ve used it up for negativity…

Whatever this feeling that I’m feeling is, need to run far away until infinity because i have plans for me, myself and I..for my family…for my community…for sharing a part of me that I love so much…for something that I stand solid for..for something that I want to enlighten upon on..for something that I need….What is this feeling that I’m feeling….

WELCOME BACK!!

WELCOME BACK!!! Long time waiting but I’m finally back.  About 4 years ago I took up a hobby, “Blogging” and although I wasn’t blogging everyday, I found it to be a reliever(mentally) for me and I promised myself that I was going to do it everyday. However, circumstances and life situations didn’t allow me to do so and I couldn’t wait until the moment i was able to get back on board.

I love writing especially if it’s therapeutic. I look back at my previous blogs and thought “Wow, I really had some serious concerns and still do, lol”.  I want my blogs to be relatable and inspiring or just entertaining.  I’m always open to comments and suggestions(I really don’t know a thing about blogging).

Well I just had a brain freeze with beginning this journey again…but until then…

BE BLESSED!

WHERE’S THE RESPECT?!

Dear Teenager,

Do you have that much hate in your heart for me? I tell you to always talk to me when something is bothering you especially when it has something to do with me. I can’t read minds but your body language is making me feel uncomfortable when my presence is in the room and you’ll quickly move to be out of my presence. When I speak to you I barely get a response from you. When I wish you a good day at school, all I hear is a murmur, When I greet you in the morning with “Good Morning”, I get dead air…Where’s the Respect?!

I know you’re scorned from the past before me and trying to move on..I see that you’re upset with your mother at times for her decisions that she makes. I tried to make things as comfortable and safe for you..but, you’re to young to understand..I keep telling myself. I know you don’t like the fact that your mother and I was a couple and that I opened her eyes up to what her ears couldn’t…but I will not sit here and let you continue to disrespect your mother or me…Where’s the Respect?!

Look, I don’t care if you’re not my friend or dislike me but I demand my respect!
I’m not here to please you and let you get away with mischief behavior and the worrisome that you cause your mother..for as long as I remain here I’m trying to help and teach you. As well as show respect to you. You treat others as you want to be treated, I hope you’ll learn that sometime in the near future.

I guess I answered my own question..until you learn and appreciate the respect given you’ll show the respect..hopefully. Soon I will be leaving, I see this will be an everlasting problem you have with me and maybe..hopefully with my absence you will see all the respect I gave to you and know what I did or said was in your best interest.

Good Luck
A Concerned Adult

Silent Love

We come from two different worlds, mines a clamorous one and yours a silent one.  We communicate happy, sad, angry, loving and some our fears.  We teach each other. I teach you your needs and you teach me my wants.  We support each other strongly in ways that no other has.  We feel each others pain without knowing where it may come from or just by a look. I bring patience and you bring smiles.  I bring knowledge and you bring laughter. How could this be a love of two different worlds?

In the beginning, I was filled with love abundantly from the love and support you showed me.  So kind, so tender you are.  The love was at first overwhelming because i wasn’t looking for it and in return, I loved you with all my might..even more than myself.  I committed “Me” to you, not everyone get that special treatment.  Over the months, we had our trials and tribulations and I realized more how we definitely live in two different worlds.  I’m quick to get motivated, you quick to get discouraged.  You concede, I go forward with the burdens of life. You can be so egotistical without knowing the facts, such a turn off.  Through it all I have patience because I know we are different.

Time after time you hurt me with the lies and deceitfulness. You pushed my love away, so the in love has went away. Why?

My love I know something is bothering you even when you show me “you’re fine”.  I understand your language so you can’t hide.  Could it be you’re trying to fight the demons that corrupts “Our” worlds?  Are you trying to hide from me the person that you don’t want to be?  no need to impress me.  Or is it you’re trying to hide the chains of our love from the outside?  What ever it is love, please show me.  I know to communicate our outer feelings are easy and to communicate our inner feelings is trying for both you and I, its so frustrating to you.

My silent love it’s ok I love you just the way you are.  So what we come from two different worlds?! I learned your language now i want you to learn mines.  Please don’t give up on us.  However,  I’m beginning to understand no matter how much I want to help you grow you have to help yourself.  I will always have love for you my Silent Love!

My prayer for 2012

REPOST…

I wrote this prayer 9 years ago and realized this is a prayer not only for 2012,  but for everyday.  Since then it’s been more terroristic attacts/threats, police brutality, increased racism, etc.  The world needs LOVE, PEACE AND HAPPINESS!

Instead of setting a New Year’s Resolution, I have a prayer..not only for me but for all.  So here’s my prayer:

I pray for Love, that people everywhere try and take the hate, negativity and jealousy out of their hearts and begin to show love to others.  I pray that we stop killing one another, stealing, raping and abusing.  We have a whole generation of children coming up and we need to set examples for them.  Instead of “hating” on another lets start showing positivity, appreciation and love.  I pray for those who don’t know how to love that they allow to be love so they can reciprocate.  Where there’s love there will be Peace.

I pray that we can keep the peace within ourselves so we can shine on others and others will see the love and peace and want that for themselves.  Peace from the hassles of worrying or stressing.  I pray for world peace and nations stop fighting each other.  I pray that these gangs on these streets have peace with one another.  When there is peace there is happiness.

I pray that for those who show love and are at peace show the world happiness.  Helping someone with grocery bags, donate clothes and food for the needy..doing something that you can give back to the community.  I pray for a better year for me, my family, friends and yours.  I pray that we continue to be motivated at whatever we want and/or need out of life.  I pray for God to continue to strengthen us to take us through our trials and tribulation.  I pray that this recession end for us all and give us the opportunity that we strive for.  This is my prayer for 2012, Amen.

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