FEELINGS

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…deep deep down inside there’s an unexplained darkness that’s whirling my insides…spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically all tangled up with no loose ends…

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…i have to get it back spiritually because i am a firm believer without him there’s no me…i’m all shelled up and finding it harder to smile when i have every good reason to…looking in the mirror i’m not pleased to see this person that was once before a vibrant, energetic loving individual who welcomed the challenges of life, a person who struggled to be different from the norm but categorized   by peers and their opinions….

What is this feeling that I’m feeling…when i want the company of others but I want the company of myself…when i need to utilize my positive energy into my dreams and goals but instead I’ve used it up for negativity…

Whatever this feeling that I’m feeling is, need to run far away until infinity because i have plans for me, myself and I..for my family…for my community…for sharing a part of me that I love so much…for something that I stand solid for..for something that I want to enlighten upon on..for something that I need….What is this feeling that I’m feeling….

Dark Clouds

I woke up this morning feeling more tired than when I went to sleep last night. This is the second morning waking up to a pressure headache. I tentatively made plans to visit a good friend today but my body is telling me no.  I don’t like feeling this way whatever this way is..depression? laziness? or both.  This isn’t me, I’m used to being on the go making moves…working day to night and enjoying life even when i’m dead tired.  But now I can’t go grocery shopping without feeling exhausted and thinking about sitting down on my favorite spot.  I’m not new to being depressed or stressed out and my body is acting accordingly but my mind isn’t.

Lately my mood hasn’t been the best.  However, i’m trying to stay away from negativity..people, things or places that will hold me hostage to my anger.  Little by little i’m trying to do the things that I love or will keep me in a cheery mood, my hair, nails, listening to music, walking(very little) and my new…writing and reading the Bible.  But the dark clouds still seems to linger to where sometimes I will stare at the tv feeling stuck thinking too much.  or smoke me a cigarette but it seems to get me antsy and I wonder why I lit the nasty thing anyway.

Maybe it’s the anxiety of waiting on this job that I so want.  A couple weeks ago I went on a job interview and I thought it went well.  I was even inform how the previous candidate wasn’t chosen  and they needed the position filled ASAP.  Feeling my confidence leaving the interview I just knew I’ll be working at the beginning of this week.  I even told one of my closest friend whom I haven’t spoke to in 3 months about another position within the company that was open, she interviewed and got hired..good for her, honestly.

Maybe it’s the unhappiness that i’m feeling in my current living situation.  My current roommate/ex-girlfriend is a good person as a friend only.  Yes i still love her and she’s still there for me but I think its for her best interest due to the fact that I have to still depend on her and i’m hating that.  I want to be free of her and independent on my own.  For whatever reason these dark clouds is keeping me bound of it’s wrath i’m trying to break free.

So If my blessings come today, it will be no excuse on going over my friend’s house today and enjoying myself outside this apartment. Even though my body is feeling real sluggish i’m feeling an excuse coming on to tell my friend once again why i’m not coming.  We’ll see if i go or not!

I’m such a Scrooge!!

Well since my first blog was on Holidays i might as well keep the ball rolling..
Thanksgiving….I actually like this holiday because it means so much to me more and more the older i get and the more trials and tribulations that i continue to go thru. However, I miss the feeling of love from close family and friends. Christmas was my favorite when i was younger, especially when i was in elementary and middle school. I loved making decorations to add on to the Christmas tree at home. Going to family gatherings and getting gifts. I can count on 1 hand how many times my mom asked me to get a “Christmas List” together and one time i actually tried to evaluate my behavior for the year to feel assured that Santa was going to get me most of the things on my list…Yes! I really believed in Santa Claus, there was countless nights i laid in the bed on Christmas Eve trying to hear Santa’s sleigh..lol.
Until one Christmas it was different because i found out the truth there was no Santa Claus and that My mother who raised me with the help of my sister’s father was Santa Claus and that year It was hard times with money..no money, no Christmas, no gifts at least i thought..I was used to the excitement and laughter preparing for Christmas. This particular Christmas Eve I didn’t lie in my bed listening out for Santa, I was waiting at a bus stop with my mom, her then boyfriend and baby sister going to my grandmother’s house. My grandmother didn’t celebrate holidays due to her religion..so I stood at the bus stop with anger, confusion and disenchantment. After that Christmas it was a little better but it took me a couple more Christmases to get over the fact that there’s no Santa and realization that if mommy was struggling with paying bills…no presents for me..I sit here and wonder if that was the start of me not caring for Christmas. As i got older and started going to church I found the true meaning of Christmas..Jesus was born! It’s so more to it than gift giving and family gatherings.
As i got older my excitement for myself with Christmas changed a great deal. I reflect and give thanks for God giving his only son (Im still learning and in the process with tuning into my spirituality more)..I realized its more for the children and I get excited for them..I solely believe gift giving is for children. Long ago I stopped writing my “Christmas List” and love giving to others, young or old. This is part of my nature “Giving” I do this the chances i get. I still love the family gatherings but the older i got the less and less it was.
Over the last 10 years i’ve been thru alot of ups and downs, especially with money. My siblings have kids and i dont honestly remember giving gifts to my nieces or nephews..one of my past jobs we got petty cash to get gifts for our clients and that made me feel like old times! I even remember spending my last getting a gift for my mom..Now I cant do any..it seems like EVERY season money isnt a factor. A few times i was able to say, “I have your gift AFTER Christmas”.
Money Issues and Away from my immediate family makes me just want to see Christmas come and go..FAST! However, I do acknowledge the birth of Jesus. It’s been some years since I started cringing to Christmas songs or seeing decorations..i used to keep it to myself but anyone who knows me, know i dont care to hear or see. lol i must admit some look amazing. Also, I feel ashame knowing that i’m far away from my nieces and nephews and they’re not around me and i cant even send a Christmas gift or any gift..I hope they never forget who I am. it’s been times where I had money to go home but had to work, i will always hear the sadness in my mom’s voice, even as recent as yesterday when she asked me to come home and spend a couple weeks with the family, but because i’m looking for work and working any temporary jobs i can get…I cant go.
Again, since i cant be with my family and the fact I cant give to the kids i feel like hibernating until this season is over…I hate the fact I feel this way and act like a Scrooge!

SOLO HOLIDAY

So I’m getting a little familiar with this new hobby of mines…Blogging…There’s so much i want to express but not in order. What’s a good way to start talking about the holiday since “Tis the Season”.

When we usually think of the Holidays we automatically think of Family, Food, Gifts, Drinking, and putting on that best outfit so they can complement your style. It’s a good reason to have family come together and reflect on each individual’s life and as a family, to hear family gossip and to remember the loved ones we lost over the year.  Some jealousy, envy, role models or favorites.  We share the “Favorite Dishes” and sit back and savor the flavor listening to our loved ones gloat about the happenings of their life.  Excited to see the kids for they have matured greatly in mental and physical aspect. Sitting around in groups divided by the old, new and in-between sharing similarities.  After the dinner a few members gather in front of the Tv watching the football game or discussing what club scene would be hit that night by the crew. It’s a time for laughing, crying, arguing, drinking, fighting, comfort, singing, dancing, music, the “itis”, joyful, grateful, thankful and so on..whether you’re “house hopping” or having dinner at your house these are some of the things or all that’ll take place during the holidays.

For me the last 6 years it’s been totally the opposite.  I spent it with Friends who i consider Family for i moved away from my family. Growing up It didn’t dawn on me the importance of Family, i took for granted to some point getting ready for my relative’s house or spending time with family period.  Every Thanksgiving or Christmas consecutively I went over my Auntie’s house..We had our laughs, cousins fights, good food and music.  As I look back I wish so hard for those days again but unfortunately, some members passed on or living their life..like myself away from family.  This the sixth year i spend this holiday season alone and depressed and pray for the following year things are different and a little easy for me.  I’m becoming more and more secluded and refuse to join anybody else and their family…if i cant be with mines, i rather be alone and not bothered.

My immediate family and I don’t have the best relationship and been back and forth with being cordial with one another.  Recently I found it in my heart and soul to forgive some people who i felt was wronged by and willing to make amends wherever needed but its a two-way street and i need help. Until then I’ll continue to pray for the togetherness of me and my family and working on me.  I hear in 12-step programs(i think) the road to recovery is admitting there’s a problem and recognizing it…i’m taking the first step and action on it.

Much Luv!