Auntie B

We all have our “favorites” in our family.  I had a couple, one of them was my “Auntie B”.   She’s my grandfather’s sister.  I practically grew up around her, She was my favorite because every time I seen her she made me feel special…she said my name in an animated way with her smile..I loved her so much.  If you wanted to know the truth about something, just ask Auntie B!   Growing up I loved staying the weekends over her house. When she moved to the south it took about 8 years before I seen her again.  I made plans to stay with her as if i was going to see one of my peers.  It seem like no matter how old I was, I was always able to hold a conversation with her.  I was told growing up that I was mature for my age so I guess that played a big factor in it too.  I remember about 3 1/2 years ago my mom, sister and I made a trip to go to see her, now my mom never been to her house in the south and my Auntie B was so shocked, it seemed forever as they hugged and cried in the middle of my Auntie’s B front lawn.  I remember the same night we got there my sister and I went out and my Auntie B was up waiting on us.  Auntie B was always giving up her bed for family and Auntie B and I took the 2 couches in the living room.  We talked for what it seems like hours! I actually fell asleep on her.  Oh the next morning she joked about it!

Throughout the years Auntie B will have different sickness and for awhile I was in denial, I think a couple of my family members were too.  Auntie B was a strong, tall woman that didn’t take no mess.  So imagining her sick, I couldn’t do.  It was times I spoke to her over the phone and every time, don’t matter what the conversation was about she always asked me when i was going to get married and have some kids.  It was even to the point at one time I tried my best not to let the conversation lead to marriage and kids.  However, this one particular conversation stuck in my head to this day.  This was about 4 years ago, I don’t think I called her because I just finished smoking and was coming down off my high and usually I don’t like conversating with anyone but when it was Auntie B I perked up and tried to be attentive as I could be but I failed because she asked me if I was drunk, lol.   She talked about her sickness because at this time she was in and out of hospitals having different surgeries.  Then as usual the conversation focused on me.  Also, some of my family members became acquainted with my life style.  I brought my ex-girlfriend to a funeral one time, one of the worst things I ever did!  Since she couldn’t get the attention from me she showed off like a 2-year old.  My Auntie B seen her but since that day no one confirmed anything with me.  But I knew they was talking.  So as the conversation continued Auntie B only mentioned about me having kids.  I guess at that time she was going through something with her grown kids, I heard the emotions in her voice.  She said, “now you know you getting older, so it don’t matter how you do it, just have some kids so you’ll have someone to look out after you”.  This startled me for a few reasons.

For one, it was only a couple times i seen or heard Auntie B show emotion.  Second, me having kids really meant something to her and knew how it would benefit me and last she didn’t mentioned me meeting and marrying a man! I took this as she accepted my life style and that meant alot to me because “coming out” I really had a hard time to the point I got on Zoloft.  So the fact that Auntie B said this meant the world to me!  After the conversation i made a vow to myself that I will have a kid.  For years I was back and forth with wanting to have kids to the point I feel that I’m too ‘old’ now.  A couple of years ago I had went to visit Auntie B in the hospital.  About a week prior she had called my mom and asked to see us because she felt like she didn’t have long before she was to be called home.  I didnt know what to expect once we got to the hospital but when we got there  the room was filled with family and she was smiling, joking and talking mess.  My mom and I arrived right before noon and stayed to about 9pm that night.  We had a good time in the hospital, I was starting to believe she would be coming home soon although she was in the hospital for about a month.  Reality kicked in when i seen her get real quiet after taking her medication and as the medicine took effect Auntie B appeared exhausted from the joking and laughter.

Less than a month after our visit Auntie B passed on, it was December 17, 2009.  I was so shocked, hurt, sad and all the other emotions I can’t describe at that time.  I reflected on my last visit to her and realized how strong she was to hide the pain that she was going through from her loved ones, man my Auntie B was Strong!!  Auntie B knew she didn’t have much time and called for my mom and me, wow I felt loved, special..She has numerous nieces and nephews, but she called on us.  Auntie B’s message about me having kids..I got it and understand.  When I think of Auntie B I think of the good times we had and the person she was.  RIP Auntie B! Love you soooooo much!!

Life’s Lessons

Sometimes i wish i can go back and re-live my childhood into adulthood not to change but to understand some things.  My childhood wasn’t extravagant, but i was loved and felt the love.  I have a small family, no matter how much they got on my nerves we always found ways to laugh, joke and pick on each other, it was fun.  However, i’m the oldest and my mom had sheltered me until just a couple years ago.  Protecting me from the cruel streets from people hurting me.  Of course i was too young to understand and paid no attention to my lessons.  The one thing that keeps going over and over in my head is that i had trust, I believed. Somewhere down the line trust was lost.

As I met people through the events of my life I took that with me, trusting people and gave the comfort for people to trust me.  I can’t remember my first experience where trusting someone lead to disappointment.  For me it was so easy to trust and hard to break that  nasty habit..By my mid 20’s I started taking precaution when letting people in my life but still had hope and always wanted to give that person the benefit of the doubt, now about 15 years later I don’t trust no one not even my loving family.  I wonder how did I get to this point, at times it’s nerve wrecking because my life is affected by this as well.

Sometimes I try to compromise with myself especially when I need to trust someone to help me.  For instance, being in relationships it seemed, well  i was the provider mentally and physically.  Some of the people that i was involved with seen this as an advantage and took it.  I always had a car, job(s) and the motivation for life, a go-getter but this quickly turned for me  and i didn’t see coming.  I guess this is what my mother was trying to protect me from, damn! I should’ve listened and took heed.   Mentally, I tried to blame my mother for sheltering me and not letting me live my life finding MY mistakes and learning from it…But the truth of the matter there’s no one to blame but myself.  So the end result, with hesitation I trusted this same person that took the advantage because they told me over and over again to trust them.  At the time I thought they was being honest and sincere, at least that’s what i wanted to believe.  It was my big lost! I felt embarrassed with low self esteem because I felt like I let my mother down from what she tried to protect me from.

With every new relationship whether friendship, working or romantic  my natural trusting self plays a part but it only takes that one time of betrayal and my wall goes up. Sometimes I wait for the betrayal to come(that’s so bad) and i’m not proud of that.   I wonder if my mom gave me a lesson on trust like i received lessons on school subjects, would I been more aware and ready on my own? or was sheltering me the best as a child because i was my mom’s responsibility?  Or that’s just a part of life’s lessons??

To My Friend

Dear Friend

We’ve known each other for 20 plus years and we shared some likes, dislikes, laughter, stressors, tears, hurt, celebrations, etc.  We cherish each other to the point of no return.  You been there for me at times more than my own flesh and blood and i’m so grateful for that! I’ve been the person who you trusted your life with and who could feel comfortable leaving your boyfriend around because you knew I didnt cross boundaries.  We gave each other advice and respected each other’s opinion.  I was there for you the best way i could when you was pregnant with your child, I was so excited and gave you a baby shower where i put my all into.  I went with you to the last doctor appt. and drove you to the hospital when your child’s father was more concern about his habit then to see his baby.  We call each other “cousins” and refer at times as “sisters” that’s how close we were.

You gave me the “quantity” of the friendship but at times not the “quality”.  I’m by far a needy person.  However, my friend there was times where you thought more about yourself and/or the person you was involved with than me.  At times you took up for your significant other knowing they was in the wrong, knowing my dislikes. Or when i was stranded on a busy highway with my ex and her child and asked for your help, because you wanted to respect your girlfriend before our friendship, you had to ask her permission to get in your car and help me.  It even got to the point you didnt keep your “word” when  i needed that ride to get to a job interview.  You even tricked me to thinking i was the only Godmother to your child because you were torn and pressured by your child’s father to pick me.  I would’ve been happy to know he had a second Godmother. Or what about one of the happiest time of my life when i graduated from college and i wanted you there…you turned me down and i didnt even get a call to hear “Congratulations!”  How about the numerous times you forgot my birthday and i had to be the one to bring up that my birthday was a couple days ago but 3 mos before your birthday or our other friend birthday everybody trying to figure out what type of celebration we was going to have??

I’m such an easy-goer and a peace-maker that i painfully got over the hurt and disappointment, mainly because I outweighed the good and bad of our friendship.  That was in the beginning and we were kids and i came to terms that that’s part of your personality.  I was quick to walk away then to talk about it…at times i wonder if I messed up with that but that was something that was a part of “my” personality.  I remember that first time and from what i could recall my only time i approached you about not remembering my birthday.  You’re a person with a quick and sharp tongue and will justify your actions even when you know you’re dead wrong.  I figured there wasnt much defending you could do with hearing out my feelings when you forgot my past birthdays.  You apologized but i seen the awkwardness you gave, there i knew you wasnt as quick and expressive when it came to admitting you was wrong.  It’s crazy how i found out i wasn’t the only Godmother to your child.  It was his 5th birthday and you gave him a birthday part.  Of course, i helped out as much as i could with the planning and setting up. While on the phone with one of our other closest friend who’s always late to everything you blurted out in anger how could she be late to her Godson’s birthday party. My heart dropped and so did your mouth because she didnt want me to know.

Some of my family and other friends seen that you don’t treat me as equal and asked how could i deal with you?! I thought i understood you, that was my answer.  It got to the point as we got older i took “breaks” from you didnt call, text or see you.  There’s been times I wanted to talk to you about my feelings like that day i talked to you about my birthdays.  At one time I didn’t know how to approach you without you ignoring what i’m saying and getting out your opinions and questions every other word i may say..you’re so predictable.  It seems like the older we got the more serious that i needed to talk to you about some of you’re “ways”.

We finally had our serious argument where i didn’t walk away from expressing my feelings to you.  I was going through a rough time, depressed and not knowing which direction i wanted to go with life.  At one time i ran to you immediately to talk but since you love being opinionated and playing the “devil’s advocate”, you’re the second, third and sometimes the fourth person i’ll go to.  Another thing that made me love you as a friend, sister is that when you believe in something you show compassion for it..At times you show it aggressively and unwelcome. This particular time some of my issues involved something that you just went thru and you once again put your personal feedback instead of listening.  I stood up and you got offended.  You said some things that once again offended me and you say i disrespected you. You said you was keeping it “real” and was protecting me from harm…you didnt see no harm at all.

It’s been about 3 months and things aren’t the same.  Maybe I should’ve been aggressive a long time ago…Maybe i shouldn’t told you anything…Who knows? One thing I do know is that I still have love for you, just from afar.

I’m such a Scrooge!!

Well since my first blog was on Holidays i might as well keep the ball rolling..
Thanksgiving….I actually like this holiday because it means so much to me more and more the older i get and the more trials and tribulations that i continue to go thru. However, I miss the feeling of love from close family and friends. Christmas was my favorite when i was younger, especially when i was in elementary and middle school. I loved making decorations to add on to the Christmas tree at home. Going to family gatherings and getting gifts. I can count on 1 hand how many times my mom asked me to get a “Christmas List” together and one time i actually tried to evaluate my behavior for the year to feel assured that Santa was going to get me most of the things on my list…Yes! I really believed in Santa Claus, there was countless nights i laid in the bed on Christmas Eve trying to hear Santa’s sleigh..lol.
Until one Christmas it was different because i found out the truth there was no Santa Claus and that My mother who raised me with the help of my sister’s father was Santa Claus and that year It was hard times with money..no money, no Christmas, no gifts at least i thought..I was used to the excitement and laughter preparing for Christmas. This particular Christmas Eve I didn’t lie in my bed listening out for Santa, I was waiting at a bus stop with my mom, her then boyfriend and baby sister going to my grandmother’s house. My grandmother didn’t celebrate holidays due to her religion..so I stood at the bus stop with anger, confusion and disenchantment. After that Christmas it was a little better but it took me a couple more Christmases to get over the fact that there’s no Santa and realization that if mommy was struggling with paying bills…no presents for me..I sit here and wonder if that was the start of me not caring for Christmas. As i got older and started going to church I found the true meaning of Christmas..Jesus was born! It’s so more to it than gift giving and family gatherings.
As i got older my excitement for myself with Christmas changed a great deal. I reflect and give thanks for God giving his only son (Im still learning and in the process with tuning into my spirituality more)..I realized its more for the children and I get excited for them..I solely believe gift giving is for children. Long ago I stopped writing my “Christmas List” and love giving to others, young or old. This is part of my nature “Giving” I do this the chances i get. I still love the family gatherings but the older i got the less and less it was.
Over the last 10 years i’ve been thru alot of ups and downs, especially with money. My siblings have kids and i dont honestly remember giving gifts to my nieces or nephews..one of my past jobs we got petty cash to get gifts for our clients and that made me feel like old times! I even remember spending my last getting a gift for my mom..Now I cant do any..it seems like EVERY season money isnt a factor. A few times i was able to say, “I have your gift AFTER Christmas”.
Money Issues and Away from my immediate family makes me just want to see Christmas come and go..FAST! However, I do acknowledge the birth of Jesus. It’s been some years since I started cringing to Christmas songs or seeing decorations..i used to keep it to myself but anyone who knows me, know i dont care to hear or see. lol i must admit some look amazing. Also, I feel ashame knowing that i’m far away from my nieces and nephews and they’re not around me and i cant even send a Christmas gift or any gift..I hope they never forget who I am. it’s been times where I had money to go home but had to work, i will always hear the sadness in my mom’s voice, even as recent as yesterday when she asked me to come home and spend a couple weeks with the family, but because i’m looking for work and working any temporary jobs i can get…I cant go.
Again, since i cant be with my family and the fact I cant give to the kids i feel like hibernating until this season is over…I hate the fact I feel this way and act like a Scrooge!

SOLO HOLIDAY

So I’m getting a little familiar with this new hobby of mines…Blogging…There’s so much i want to express but not in order. What’s a good way to start talking about the holiday since “Tis the Season”.

When we usually think of the Holidays we automatically think of Family, Food, Gifts, Drinking, and putting on that best outfit so they can complement your style. It’s a good reason to have family come together and reflect on each individual’s life and as a family, to hear family gossip and to remember the loved ones we lost over the year.  Some jealousy, envy, role models or favorites.  We share the “Favorite Dishes” and sit back and savor the flavor listening to our loved ones gloat about the happenings of their life.  Excited to see the kids for they have matured greatly in mental and physical aspect. Sitting around in groups divided by the old, new and in-between sharing similarities.  After the dinner a few members gather in front of the Tv watching the football game or discussing what club scene would be hit that night by the crew. It’s a time for laughing, crying, arguing, drinking, fighting, comfort, singing, dancing, music, the “itis”, joyful, grateful, thankful and so on..whether you’re “house hopping” or having dinner at your house these are some of the things or all that’ll take place during the holidays.

For me the last 6 years it’s been totally the opposite.  I spent it with Friends who i consider Family for i moved away from my family. Growing up It didn’t dawn on me the importance of Family, i took for granted to some point getting ready for my relative’s house or spending time with family period.  Every Thanksgiving or Christmas consecutively I went over my Auntie’s house..We had our laughs, cousins fights, good food and music.  As I look back I wish so hard for those days again but unfortunately, some members passed on or living their life..like myself away from family.  This the sixth year i spend this holiday season alone and depressed and pray for the following year things are different and a little easy for me.  I’m becoming more and more secluded and refuse to join anybody else and their family…if i cant be with mines, i rather be alone and not bothered.

My immediate family and I don’t have the best relationship and been back and forth with being cordial with one another.  Recently I found it in my heart and soul to forgive some people who i felt was wronged by and willing to make amends wherever needed but its a two-way street and i need help. Until then I’ll continue to pray for the togetherness of me and my family and working on me.  I hear in 12-step programs(i think) the road to recovery is admitting there’s a problem and recognizing it…i’m taking the first step and action on it.

Much Luv!